Look, I don’t want to waste your time, so I’ll preface this piece with a brief questionnaire determining your potential appreciation of Doug Stanhope and his comedic stylings…

1.)   Are you amused by freecreditreport.com and his hijinks?

2.)   Do you collar-color coordinate comedy?

3.)   Are you offended by anything?

If you’ve answered “yes” to any of these questions, I don’t know, go check out Robert Klein or something. If not, what’s wrong with you? And go see Stanhope. He’ll probably tell you.

Last Friday I was fortunate enough to witness his performance at the Lakeshore Theater, and he did not disappoint. Before I fill you in like a jelly doughnut, I should mention how unique and rare a talent he is.

Or maybe I should start with what he’s not:

- hip enough for alternative comedy.

- patient enough for observational comedy.

- patronizing enough to make a dick and/or fart joke without using it as an analogy to express a greater overarching statement about the hypocrisies of our sociocultural zeitgeist.

Still following? Thanks. I wrote this for you.

Stanhope showed the crowd where it’s at with two beer bottles and a microphone. Opening with a recollection of previous Lakeshore performances, Stanhope exclaimed “I can’t believe they still want me to perform here!” mentioning a time in which he may or may not have urinated into a bucket on stage, invited an audience member up to smoke a cigarette, and kicked aforementioned bucket into aforementioned audience member’s face. “When I got the call, I was like really?!” said Stanhope.

Those familiar with Stanhope’s material know that he is a libertarian with a reputation for lacerating political figures on the East and West coasts of ideology land. Fed up with bureaucracy preventing legislative progress, Stanhope briefly ran for president in 2008, but later changed his mind. Much like Lenny Bruce and Bill Hicks, two brilliant men whom many consider his predecessors, Stanhope is not a contrarian for contrarian’s sake. He believes in what he says.

This is perhaps why Stanhope’s performance was less political than usual. “I could go off on Glenn Beck, or Sarah Palin, or Nancy Pelosi, but I don’t fucking care anymore! I’ve done that shit before.” Said Stanhope “I used to believe I could create a better world by preaching to rooms of 100 drunk people.” Stanhope then poured beer into his eyes, ear, and shirt, while simultaneously vociferating the failures of past and present administrations. Well played, sir. Well played.

“Now I just get pissed about little stuff, like why whenever I peel the foil off the yogurt, a glob of it always gets on my fucking thumb!” adding “That’s why I hate observational comedy, there’s no bloodlust in it… I don’t know what the ‘deal-with-that’ is, Jerry [Seinfeld], but it makes me want to kill somebody!”

Spotting a camera, Stanhope called to an audience member “Dude, that blue dot; it creeps me out.” The audience member replied “My bad. Sorry.” Stanhope later told the audience “Don’t worry about it, I’ll whore it up with all of you after the show.” He even offered to sign a ball or two – pretty generous for a non-athlete!

I would have been happy as a clam to whore it up with this man, but that, unfortunately, did not happen. After the show, I spotted Stanhope chatting with someone at the merch booth for a moment, and decided to respectfully wait for their conversation to conclude before approaching him. A moment later, I turned around and noticed a person packing up the material from his table and leaving. No Stanhope in sight.

Overall, it was a great show from a fantastic performer. I could say more about Stanhope’s passion, style, and delivery, but it’s all been witnessed and articulated before. If you have thick skin and appreciate unflinching honesty and humor, be on the scene for one of the last few substantive comedians of our time, while you still can.

Step aside Jamie Kennedy fans (if you exist) and Jews not named Sammy Davis Jr. (if you exist), because Trevor Moore, Sam Brown, Zach Cregger, Timmy Williams, and Darren Trumeter are the Whitest Kids U Know. The New York natives left no funny bones untickled at Lakeview's own Lakeshore Theater last Thursday...